Answer:
Thanks for your comments. I do see how I end up connecting with the same kind of people and it really irritates me. But I believe that with mindfulness practice, over time, I will become more aware of my subconscious actions and gradually make new, healthier choices.

I have started reading "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is an incredible book and has really hit home for me. He has helped me to look at my past relationships and how I grew up in a different way. He says that, from the time we're born, other people shape how we think, how we should behave, what society is like. We never got the chance to be ourselves, to know what we want to do, to be who we truly are. We can change that by listening more and more to our intuition or "wise mind."

He goes on to say that everything that people say to us is like a magic spell. When someone says, "You're stupid," repeatedly, we act in a stupid way. From
infancy, we've been taught to believe what people say about us and behave accordingly. This brainwashing began most heavily with our parents and siblings. I'm not saying they are to blame for our lives. They are also just doing what they've been "programmed" to do. But we can, over time, begin to choose differently and follow our inner selves.

I didn't go to college right after high school, but started back when I was 29. The professors there repeatedly told me how bright I was, even brilliant they'd say sometimes. And I became smart. Conditioned as I am to believe what I'm told, some inner part of me agreed with them, effectively breaking the old agreement, and so that is what I became.

Ruiz talks about how careful we need to be with our words because everything we say is magic. We go about casting spells on other people or taking in the spells cast by others. Clearly, I can see now that there were many "curses" cast upon me. I can see that I no longer need those people around to keep telling me these horrible things because I have incorporated their opinions into my own negative inner voice that I've been agreeing with for most of my life.

So, my plan next is to stop agreeing with the negative self talk or the negative things people say to me. I nix those spells - I turn them back, I don't agree. Words are so powerful and yet cast about so loosely. I will no longer tell myself I am fat and poor and can't remember anything and so depressed and distracted that I often cannot function. Why the hell have I been agreeing to that???!!! Everytime I hear those words beginning to surface, I say, "Nix!" or like the spell to combat the Hobart in the closet in the Harry Potter books, “Ridikulous!”

In DBT, in the Emotion Regulation module, the second lesson is about the myths we believe and we are asked to write challenge statements to those myths. Another way to do this is to post affirmations where you will see them or record them into a tape and listen to them. I used to think this was all "hocus-pocus" and as it turns out, I was right. It's very powerful hocus-pocus and of great value. I think I will re-instate the practice of affirmations.

Lisa